Friday, September 5, 2008


I'm having some trouble right now. I've spoken forgiveness. I've verbally handed it over to God, but I'm stuck. I know that I'm still struggling with this and I can't seem to let it go. I think that I have and then it consumes me again.

The problem is that this person has no idea that I'm harboring unforgiveness to towards them. In fact, they have no idea that I know what they did. In some ways, confronting them would only make it worse. I'm not sure that them saying they were sorry would help at all, because the simple fact that they did what they did makes me feel differently towards them. AND....that statement just proves to me right now that I really haven't forgiven at all. Does forgiveness mean I really have to love this person? Can't I say that I forgive them without loving them? Honestly, loving this person is just not on my "to do" list today. Vengefully, I want to let this person know that I know, but not to offer forgiveness...more to offer embarassment to them. If I went and said something to them right now, it would simply be to put them in their place. I'm not sure if that's my job.

How does Jesus forgive us? It's even more amazing to me that he has forgiven me, because currently in my weak earthly self-I'm finding the power to forgive impossible. The FACT that he's forgiven me in my sinful state when I constantly cheat on Him with other Gods is just basically unbelievable at times. I KNOW in my head that he has and I recognize that just because I can't(or won't)forgive makes it seem like Him doing it for me is not possible. In my hurt, I recognize that I often hurt HIM just like I have been hurt. Yet, he still loves me AND he forgives me.

Father, I don't know what to say or do to bring this forgiveness into my heart. I guess that in some ways this is good(although that's very hard to see right now), because it's made me recognize the immense gift that you have given me. In spite of the many, many times that I've hurt your feelings, you still love me and you still forgive me. You hurt more for the fact that I'm missing out on so many wonderful things you have for me, rather than what I've done to you. Help me to find a way to forgive this person as you have forgiven me.

I accidentally ran across this...yeah, right? Thanks God for putting this in my path as was aimlessly wandering blogland.

Thoughts from CS Lewis
"To be a Christian means to forgive the inexcusable, because God has forgiven the inexcusable in you."

I think that pretty much sums it up, right?



Tammy said...

I have really struggled with this very thing. I think you are where forgiveness starts. Sometimes you just have to speak it...continually...and eventually it will seep down in your heart. And even when it does, sometimes you have to forgive again. Our hearts are not perfect and God knows that. But He will bless our willingness to want to forgive.

Brad and Shana said...

I think Tammy is right, sometimes you just have to confess to God that you know that you need to forgive and you want to honor him by forgiving, and then ask him to help you and to show you what that looks like. I agree to that it is a continual declaration and Satan would like nothing more than to convince you that you haven't forgiven. I think, what you need, is for you to keep making those efforts and then also ask God to heal the hurt that the person caused, because that hurt is what keeps you thinking that you haven't forgiven.

Forgive (or continue trying) and then let God heal the hurt. But, I am fully aware (too fully) that this is easier said than done. I'm sorry that you were hurt, and I will be praying.......and I hope this makes sense.

Bridenstine3 said...

I always tell my students that if something is not true, then just don't worry about it. However...I usually have to go to the person to work it out before I can forget it which leads to my forgiving. It is amazing how much God forgives for us, but I do think he confronts us--now I know, He's God and I'm just Meleia. I think the teacher in me wants others to learn from their mistakes just like I have to learn from mine. I think you should pray about your approach. I hope others don't view my input as ill advising, however, that's just me. I go to people and people have come to me before. It's about relationships many times. I know this will come as a total shock, but sometimes I've interpreted something wrong (sarcastic, I know). Prayers to you for peace within yourself about it.

Tamara Chastain said...

I agree it starts with confession. I believe Christ has already started the healing process He knows your heart. I will be in prayer for you sister.

Tammy Howard said...

Well....I was just thinking I could have written this post.

I understand right where you are because sometimes I am right there with you. There are some people who have hurt so many people that I care about...and a place that means the world to me. No matter how many times I try to forgive them and forget...or just let it go..every single time I see them....I am instantly angry (really angry!!).

I don't know how you get past it either. I know that forgiveness is a choice....and for me with some people I can honestly say...I just don't want to.

Now all that being said....I know that I am called to forgive...even if I don't want to. It's not easy. I just have to keep asking and asking and I know someday I will get there with God's help. He is the only way to get there because he is the only one who can truly change our hearts.

Just keep asking and trying to move past...the past.

I too, am thankful that God forgives me the instant I ask. I want to have a heart like his.

Praying for you!!



Cyndi Lou said...

Wow! That was real sister! That really spoke to my heart, because I am harboring unforgiveness and it is killing me! Your post put a spot light on that in my own heart. It is UNREAL how our God can forgive us. But, He knows our struggle with forgiveness and He is there to work us through and get us to it! It is not easy and I am still not there, but lately, God keeps bringing it back to me... that I need to forgive and tell that person so and move on. But, that is SO HARD to do!

Thank you for being so REAL in your post and open with us. I will pray for your situation and pray that you can forgive the inexcusable.

I love you my dear sister,