I'm having some trouble right now. I've spoken forgiveness. I've verbally handed it over to God, but I'm stuck. I know that I'm still struggling with this and I can't seem to let it go. I think that I have and then it consumes me again.
The problem is that this person has no idea that I'm harboring unforgiveness to towards them. In fact, they have no idea that I know what they did. In some ways, confronting them would only make it worse. I'm not sure that them saying they were sorry would help at all, because the simple fact that they did what they did makes me feel differently towards them. AND....that statement just proves to me right now that I really haven't forgiven at all. Does forgiveness mean I really have to love this person? Can't I say that I forgive them without loving them? Honestly, loving this person is just not on my "to do" list today. Vengefully, I want to let this person know that I know, but not to offer forgiveness...more to offer embarassment to them. If I went and said something to them right now, it would simply be to put them in their place. I'm not sure if that's my job.
How does Jesus forgive us? It's even more amazing to me that he has forgiven me, because currently in my weak earthly self-I'm finding the power to forgive impossible. The FACT that he's forgiven me in my sinful state when I constantly cheat on Him with other Gods is just basically unbelievable at times. I KNOW in my head that he has and I recognize that just because I can't(or won't)forgive makes it seem like Him doing it for me is not possible. In my hurt, I recognize that I often hurt HIM just like I have been hurt. Yet, he still loves me AND he forgives me.
Father, I don't know what to say or do to bring this forgiveness into my heart. I guess that in some ways this is good(although that's very hard to see right now), because it's made me recognize the immense gift that you have given me. In spite of the many, many times that I've hurt your feelings, you still love me and you still forgive me. You hurt more for the fact that I'm missing out on so many wonderful things you have for me, rather than what I've done to you. Help me to find a way to forgive this person as you have forgiven me.
*******Update*********
I accidentally ran across this...yeah, right? Thanks God for putting this in my path as was aimlessly wandering blogland.
Thoughts from CS Lewis
"To be a Christian means to forgive the inexcusable, because God has forgiven the inexcusable in you."
I think that pretty much sums it up, right?
Terri
